Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Out of action

I can tell you from personal experience that it's not in your best interest to attempt to punch a man while sitting at the table.

Whilst it is a) incredibly satisfying and b) enables you to get out a lot of anger, it does c) attract an awful lot of strange looks. And if you are fortunate enough to be blessed with co-ordination, that's all there is too it. However, if grace was not a trait doled out to you at birth, I recommend you stay well away because sometimes, just sometimes, the edge of the table might come between your hand and their body. The hand and the table may connect, rather solidly and as a result of this temporary pairing your hand may feel it is necessary to double in size. And throb.

And continue hurting for hours!

Take heed of my warning

Living life on the edge

Handing your essay in 10 minutes before the deadline

Thats hardcore.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Well this is going stunningly

Dealine: 11 hours
Lectures/tutorials: 3 hours
Sleep needed: lets say 2 hours
Availble time for essay: 6 hours

Word limit: 2050
Word count: 1678
Word count excluding references: 1413

Sections complete: Intro, what is personality, environmental factors
Sections to complete: heritability, critiques, conclusion

So, I might have had over 3 weeks to do all that.
I might have only started yesterday.
I might very well get a low mark for this essay.
I deserve it.
I might have spent over an hour on skype.
And I might have sent an innordinate number of texts.
And IMs.
And I might have painted my nails with an intricate pattern.

I might have a procrastination problem.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Magic Motivation Dust

How is it that a deadline in 29 hours for a 6 page essay and a current word count of 0 doesn't inspire a burst of productivity?

Friday, 24 February 2012

Don't stop reading

As a child I read everything. I was indiscriminate. I was a sponge. I read and read and nothing could stop me, not even my parents coming into my bedroom, telling me off and turning out the light. No problem. I'd just wait for them to go downstairs, creep across my room and turn it back on. Sorted.

There are so many things I've learnt from reading. About different cultures and countries, different age groups, different classes of society. I've read about people, places, rituals, acts, objects, techniques, emotions, accidents. You don't think about it at the time but there comes a day when the knowledge you picked up from an old, dusty book and filed away in the back of your mind is needed and you can use it to its full advantage.

Keep reading kids

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


Tangibly close

and yet a hairs breadth
out of reach

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Adapted from Stop Pretending, Sonya Sones

I don't
even know
what we talk about

I just listen
to the sound of your voice
and to your laugh

and to the sound
of you listening
to me

Monday, 20 February 2012

One step forward, two steps back

I really thought I'd cracked this headache thing of mine. The day I've spent in bed appears to tell a contrary tale.
She looks rather serene I think
Nearly 5 years ago now, I woke up one morning feeling rather rough. I had a pounding headache, I was insanely tired and bright lights made me squint and wince. During school, my symptoms worsened. At lunchtime I decided I'd had enough and went to the medical room and, after keeping me for an observation hour, got sent home. The next three days I spent in bed. The curtains were tightly drawn, my parents brought water and I declined all food. There were no electronics, no music, no books, no activity for those three days. Just pain. Hammering. Drilling. Stabbing. Shooting. Rippling. Vice-like. I experienced so many different types of pain and no part of my head was left unaffected. It was terrifying, like nothing I'd ever known before. Keep the paracetemol coming was my motto. My parents understandably were worried but a call to our GP allayed their fears with the explanation that sometimes, these very severe headaches just happen and one episode is nothing to be concerned about. At some point during those days, the pain started to recede. It was a slow process, like water dripping from a vessel, but eventually I was pain free and my life resumed.

A couple of months later I experienced a repeat episode. In the intervening months we had come to the conclusion that it might have been a migraine-type headache and thus we were more prepared. We followed the same procedure as the last time, total isolation, and eventually the pain receded. However, that time something was different. Instead of being pain free at the end, there was a slight, niggling twingle remaining.

And the cycle repeated itself. Every few months I'd spend a few days in bed battling the intense pain and the rest of the time coping with the low level pain. To make matters more interesting, the low level, regular pain would fluctuate seemingly at random and the location of the pain would jump about my head affording reprieve to one area only to take down another.

Eventually I saw my doctor and to cut a long story short, we concluded nothing. I tried so many different medications. Triptans (6 kinds) and anti-depressants and anti-epileptics and amitryiptyline and beta-blockers and different combinations of analgesics (until it was decided I was dependent on them and had to cut them out completely) and nothing worked. Onto further testing. Brain scans, multiple blood tests to check organ function and hormones and minerals, general physiological checks, accupuncture, osteopathy and still nothing. Onto psychological causes and weekly visits to a counsellor. Eventually the side effects of the different drugs and the emotional turmoil of counselling got to be too much with too little return and my parents and I decided to quit. Why put your body through that circus when it's not helping? So we resigned ourselves to this endless cycle.

After a few years of learning to live with the headaches and other associated symptoms, we noticed a decline in the frequency of the severe episodes. Yes, the daily ones were still there but I could manage those with no additional, pharmaceutical help. The bad ones I could manage with a little help, provided I was very careful about only taking what was absolutely neccessary as I didn't want to fall back into the rebound symptoms trap. Through my A-levels I felt positive. I was able to up my attendance from 68% at GCSE to over 80%, I was able to go out clubbing and stay up until 5am without being laid up for the next few days. I was making progress.

However, the decline in frequency was compensated for by the severity. When the migraine-type episodes hit, they hit hard. It was awful luck that I ended up in a Portuguese hospital this summer and was only able to enjoy the first 2 days of our holiday as the time out of hospital was spent in our appartment, shuffling between the sofa and my bed.

And then there was uni. Freshers week seemed like it would be a minefield but somehow, staying up until 4am every morning and partying every night didn't cause me to relapse.The first semester went smoothly with only 1 lecture missed due to a headache.

But this morning, at around 3am, I felt the familiar pounding. The incessant and increasing knocking on the side of my head. I consciously unclenched my jaw. I steeled myself against the pain and willed sleep to take me. It did but only briefly. I'm fairly certain that getting up at 3.50 and then 6.45 didn't help matters but, after queueing for tickets, I collapsed back into bed at 8.30 swallowing a handful of tablets. I forced myself to rise for my lecture and went promptly back to my darkened cave until 8 this evening when my flatmate texted me that I should probably get up for a bit so that I would sleep through the night. Begrudgingly I did but the smell of food made me queasy and so here I am. Sitting infront of my computer, screen on the darkest setting with only the glow of fairy lights to alleviate the gloom.

And all my hopes that I'd seen the back of this problem. Well, lets just say I'm not feeling that optimistic anymore.


Fetish night is coming up and costume ideas are being traded all across facebook but everyone else seems so much confident about baring their body for the whole world to see.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to wear my bikini at the pool or the beach and short skirts on nights out don't pose any problem but somehow, getting my boobs and bra out on display fills me with dread. Plus, the costume pressure is getting to me. Apparently its not good enough to just wear a push-up bra, stockings and a sheer shirt... why not? That is way more revealing than I'd normally be comfortable with. I'm not sure if I'm happy with doing it just for one night. There will be no pictures of me finding their way onto the internet, that's for sure!

I have to say, one of my favourite costume ideas I heard suggested was to go as a foot, for a foot-fetish. If done well: very, very amusing. If done badly, hmmmmm. Well it's a sight more imaginative than going as a firewoman, chippendale or schoolgirl.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Researching essays

Text swirls before me
Scrambled phrases leap and whirl
The unknown score taunts

How to appear stalker-ish

When arguing with someone, mention a post off their blog from 6 or 7 months ago. When they express disbelief that you've read their blog, be able to quote a few posts from the beginning of their blog. 

Accept high-five from bystanders.
Accept that that person is probably so freaked out that they don't talk to you again

Repeat with more than one person in the room.

Remember to apologise the next day with lots of compliments.

Saturday, 18 February 2012


For the third time today I am absolutely soaking wet

And not in the good way

Friday, 17 February 2012

Fill in the Blanks Friday

Well, this weeks blanks look fun... Fairly certain you won't learn much. 

1.  The love of my life is   chocolate, and ice cream. But not together! Ice cream should be dulce de leche. And my sister and mother.

2.   Falling in love is   alien. It's a really foreign concept that although I can imagine it happening one day, I'm not sure I'm ready for that just yet. Maybe what I actually mean is that I'm not ready to hand over that much power to another person, power to break me and make me not be OK. I don't want someone to help me climb so high just to let me fall.

3.  Marriage is   something I'd like in the future, potentially. The idea of the ritual seems to me just that, a ritual, a formality. It seems like a carnival out of which other people derive much more entertainment than the bride and groom. I think it'd have to be low key and intimate, and low stress!

4. The longest relationship I've ever had was  *tumbleweed*

5. The key to a good relationship is  trust, laughter, respect. Pick any of those generic things, they all contribute.

6. I feel loved when  my chat chooses me over my mother :P

7.  My favourite quote about love is from Moulin Rouge, the Elephant Love medley.
Love lifts us up where we belong,
Where eagles fly, on a mountain high.
Love makes us act like we are fools,
Throw our lives away, for one happy day.

Have a great day

Coffee with a Friend

My friend went home. One of my closest friends who I've known for over 7 years being around at uni, being in my room when I came home from lectures, chatting to my friends and learning all about my new life made it so much more prevalent when she left quite how different my here relationships with friends are.

We managed to talk all day for one of the days, there was never a gap as we filled each other in on our lives but the next day, we were happy just to sit in silence. We traded a few words but we didn't need to talk, just being around someone you know so well is such a filling feeling. It reminds you that you're not alone, these people will always be there for you.

And one of the things that is so different between us compared to the people I currently live with, platitudes. I can make my friends here a cup of tea but it comes laden with so many thank yous and return offers that its value as a gift is diminished. It feels like a transaction. My friend was happy to wake up one morning with a bad headache, roll over and ask me to fetch her a sock filled with peas. She was happy to ask for my help and to let me coddle her without trying to out-do me in the competition of favours. I love that comfort, that level of closeness that doesn't need to verbally acknowledge every favour, it knows it's freely given and understands that repayment needn't be immediate or equal in a materialistic value but that it is coming, even though it is entirely not needed.

Today's coffee with a friend has been one of those coffees where I phone you in the morning and say, hey, lets get coffee today because we haven't been out in ages, but really I have an ulterior motive and want to talk my thoughts through with you and coffee seemed the best way to get at you.

So, sorry for offloading on you, but aren't you glad I chose you?


Getting older doesn't always mean growing wiser, sometimes it just means that more pressures are placed upon us. Sometimes I feel like atlas. Albeit not an old and broken man, but you can just feel the weight of your burdens pressed right between your shoulders.

Atlas held the world on his shoulders
I say burdens but it's not exactly the right word. Maybe a better word would be responsibilities? No, not even that quite sums it up. I guess what I want to express is that everything to do with you, that affects you, that is influenced by you and influences you, it's up to you to manage, to govern and guide and that is a big decision have in your hands.

I've been thinking lately, and that in itself scares me, about what I'd do, how I'd react, who I'd tell if there was something seriously wrong with me. I don't know whether I mean terminally wrong or just, a major blip but the thoughts apply either way. I know the first person I should tell is probably my mother but she isn't the person I'd want to tell first. I don't know if I'd want to tell anyone. I think that, for a while at least, I'd want to keep it to myself, to process the information, to reconcile myself with what that news meant for me before approaching other people with it. I think I'd want to be prepared for their reactions. I think I'd want desperately to be in control and the only way to achieve that would be to withhold all information until a time that I saw fit, until I could decide.

I hope this situation never transpires but if it did, I hope I'd have someone there I felt I could share this with, without relinquishing control but just as a temporary reprieve, being able to lean on them. I think I have those people in my life and for that I'm grateful.


Do you ever think that some emotions are much more filling than others? That some emotions can be so consuming they leave you no space to think about other matters, to feel other things. Those are the emotions I love. In a strange and terrible way I love feeling like theres a storm raging inside me, pulling me in all directions, tossing me over and over again, the current tearing at me, forcing me under.
It sounds like such a dark place and that's how I experience anger. A storm battering my small vessel, being completely at the will of the storm, just feeling, being consumed by it.

I love anger. It's so whole, so big. It becomes everything inside you and suddenly everything becomes simple. All your thoughts are stripped back to the bare bones and nothing seems that complex. Its like an epiphany, the eye of the storm affording you a new clarity, a bright dawn.

Until, of course, the fuel runs low and the fire dies back. As the anger wanes and the storm moves on, all that's left around you is not clear, is not merely black and white but an infuriating number of shades of grey, virtually indistinguishable from one another but to the most observant eye.

I'd like to have that eye. Or else maintain the hotheaded clarity of rage, anger, inner turmoil. Because even that counts. Battling against oneself, being the harsh judge that noone else can be, its a lot less difficult than seeing things with a crystal eye.

Circular thoughts

How can something feel so great, and cause you so much difficulty?
How can you promise yourself to not be, to not feel, to not do, and then find yourself there anyway?
How do your thoughts make so much sense when you're alone but the minute you add another person into the mix, suddenly they're all turned upside down again?
How do I keep finding myself back here, stuck in this circular thought pattern, rethinking and treading the same, familiar road as this morning, and last night, and the time before, and the time before that?
Why are things so complicated?
Why isn't life simple and straight forward?
Why don't things happen at the right time, in the right way? Why don't things just work out, why must we work so hard for them?

I've heard its the questions that matter most, not the answers. Well I certainly have a lot of questions.

Thursday, 16 February 2012


I am one sick, twisted fuck.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I was ill so I could ask for some affection.

I know.

Monday, 13 February 2012

Neurotic, me? What makes you say that?

Is it the very strictly ordered white board on my desk which summarises what I have on, when, were, due dates, course readings, shopping lists and to do lists? Did I mention it's colour coded?
Is the line of post-it notes about on the top of it which contain details about all the different properties we've been to and are going to see?
Is it the notes on my wall detailing exactly where I'll be and for how long for the next couple of days?
Or the notes about breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next few days explaining where the food is and how to assemble it? And yes it is preprepared and in tupperware.
(In my defence, those 2 are for my friends benefit so she knows when to expect me and so she doesn't starve!)
Is it the organisation of my shelves, books in height order, make-up, nail varnish, jewellery, all in bags and tidied away?
Is it the fact that I keep my wardrobe in a specific way: Jackets, cardis, blouses, shirts, shorts, cropped trousers, trousers, skirts and then dresses?

Maybe it's none of those things.
Maybe you've met me?

Sunday, 12 February 2012

Oh who knows

Its Sunday and I'm not sure how I feel...

There are so many conflicting emotions swirling around right now, so many different thoughs, alternate scenarios playing out in my head. Regret, confusion, longing, flattery. I just can't deal with it all, it's all buzzing around my head, bouncing through my body making me jittery and at the same time so utterly exhausted. I just want to sleep for a while and hopefully then I'll be able to think it all through with a clearer, more logical mind.

I think that for now, the only promise I can make to myself is for it not to happen again. I can't do that to myself or anyone else involved. It's not fair, its not moral, it will cause too much pain and I'm not willing to put us through that.

Saturday, 11 February 2012

Today I feel...

About opportunities:

About lust:

About attitudes:

But what I really need today:


How much of our lives do we spend denying the things we want?
And when is it time to say 'fuck it, I'm doing this because I want to and it will feel good'?

It feels like up until now, I've never really had to balance these things but more and more I have to make decisions for my self, about my own health, my body, my relationships, my education, my future. I can't blame anyone if I screw up and everything crashes and burns. Maybe its because of the fear of failure that we decide to act conservatively, because if it all goes wrong, who wants to be left standing amongst the smoking ashes?

Friday, 10 February 2012

Fill in the Blanks Friday

Do you ever think that maybe you should have been a bit braver, tried a bit harder, been a little less reserved and that now it might be too late to reverse that?

Yes, I'm a big, cowardly lion when it comes to these kinds of dilemas

It was re-freshers fayre today which means that most of the societies, sports teams and organisations within the uni have a stall and some members to represent them and encourage people to sign up. So naturally one would think that they want people to join but it just doesn't feel true of all societies. Some are part way through productions, they are fully cast and have no space for new recruits, some look very cliquey, some just look plain weird. I know that for both of my societies, new members is not a problem, even if having to explain the rules of fizz, buzz, boing yet again get's a groan!

But for the societies I want to join, I can't help feeling like I've missed the opportunity. Now that I have a wider social circle here I feel that if I join a society that some of my friends are in, it will look like I'm either copying them or coming just to be with them. And particularly in some cases, I don't want people to get the wrong impression.  So to what extent should I be hesitant about joining new societies? How much should I put off until next year and when do I say, screw it, I've wanted to have a go at this for too long? And when training fits into my only two free days of the week, can I just forget what other people will think and jump in, literally.

Seeing as it's friday, you know what it's time for...

Today's blanks are brought to you by the lovely Courtney at A Box of Paint.

1.  I started my blog because   I couldn't sleep one night and decided it was the perfect time to execute an idea I'd been mulling over for a while. I wanted a place to write down my thoughts and feelings, to work out my anxieties and document my successes. In many ways, although I didn't start with this intention, it has become a record of my progress through uni and my personal growth and change.

2.   One thing I love seeing on other blogs  is their personal successes. A recent favourite of mine was Chlays post about her huge acheivement. Chlay suffers from ME, a hugely debilitating illness that a close friend of mine also suffers from and recently was able to make a huge acheivement. I hope that she inspires lots of other people, sufferers and non-sufferers alike.

3.  Something I love about blogging  is being able to put all my words down, as if in a diary, but also being able to add pictures and formatting which enhance the post. Being able to edit, to scrutinise and be ruthless about what you want to keep and share and what is rubbish so that, by the time you post it, you feel you have accomplished something you could never do in a paper diary.

4. A favorite blog post of mine is probably Sanity versus The World (link) because it is so honest and really helped me figure out a difficult decision. However, for a lighthearted and entertaining post that I particularly enjoyed writing, I would have to choose this one. Plus, it's based on my real life events and makes me chuckle every time... and cringe.

5. Something my friends in real life know about me that I've never before mentioned on my blog is that recently my hands have started shaking, only a slight tremmor and it's also present in my legs. Being the somewhat medically paranoid person I am, I saw my doctor and she booked a blood test, fine, and then a few days later I got a call asking for me to do a repeat test. It's scary times when you have to look after yourself and hold the whole burden of your health and any issues.

6.  My new favorite blogs to read are a couple of blogs written by people I know.  A Blogging Lark, writtenwhirred, Mental Playground and Love-Laugh-ReadI find it so entertaining to read about my friends lives in they way that they experience and portray them compared to the way that I see them.

7.  Some things I tend to avoid doing on my blog are  mentioning friends names and places specifically. If you met me casually in real life you wouldn't guess but ask the people I live with and they will tell you how particular I am about security. I have my facebook on insanely high privacy settings, this blog mentions my nickname only and no friends are named directly, there are no face or location identifying pictures and I insist on closing my windows and shutting my curtains every single time I leave my bedroom, even if it's just to pop to the kitchen. Often times I'll even lock my door but that's more to prevent my creepy neighbour getting into my bed than to preven burglary!
 Have a wonderful weekend, enjoy the snow (if there's any) and keep your fingers crossed for ours to melt away quickly!

Thursday, 9 February 2012


Its that time of year. Housing Awareness week is in full swing and every day my inbox is spammed with multiple requests for flatmates. There is even a meme for this madness.
Everywhere I look people seem to be active about finding accomodation next year. Today, a group of my flatmates went to view their first house. They viewed it in 15 minutes and signed it within 30. And it has a conservatory, or banservatory as they like to call it, the banter room. Not sure how long that will last when winter draws in. How can it be so easy for them to just pick a house and decide on it when my group have seen 4 different properties, are umm-ing and ahh-ing about them, applying through different routes and generally stalling and making no decisions! Can we please just pick a house and go for it? By messing landlords about and being awkward and inconsistent we lose our credibility as tennants.

We're at a stage in our lives where the reigns of independence are being slowly relinquished by our parents and passed over to us. Surely, at this age, they hold just a guiding hand over the reigns. Tweaking every now and again to ensure we stay on track but act as a more supportive role than anything. That's how my parents are at least. They are happy to consult with me and give advice but ultimately accept the decisions I make for myself whilst still being there to help if things go wrong. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I want to make my own mistakes! I want to do things wrong, to be in difficult situations. I want to have the challenge of figuring out how to fix a problem. What processes do I go through? How able am I to cope?

Because we aren't fully independent. Still tucked under the sheltering wing of the university and our families we are in the perfect situation to stretch and challenge ourselves, to work at being the young adults we desire to be. So yes, let's be sensible. Let's not be rash or hasty. Let's make decisions based on knowledge and advice. But please let's be our own people, let what we decide come from us- don't just repeat a filtered version of your mothers opinion. Live your own life!

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Tiredness Level: Off the chart

I had a wonderful evening out, dressed as a glamorous film star at an awards ceremony, hollywood waves cascading over my shoulders and my bafta (gold spray painted mask) in hand.
Proubly displayed for the world to see (both my bafta and bra)
It looks a lot less impressive here but this is the clearest photo of my award despite me brandishing it rather frequently. One of the flaws though was that the gold paint wasn't water resistant so add a cocktail bar into the mix and a rather drunk group of students, well you can make your own conclusions but leats just say that by the end of the night, I was rather more metallic than I started.

It seems that the objects I take on socials attract an excessive amount of interest from the society members. The santa hat I took on the christmas social was swiftly whisked off, passed around and lost track of and the same applied with my mask this time. I saw so many people try it on that in the end I gave up warning people about the risk of getting a gold, glittery face and just laughed instead. My repeated dropping of the bafta also made it an easy target. I was completely sober. Yeah right.

It didn't matter though. I can't say I'm that attached to it although remarkably I did manage to bring it home with me, albeit with a lot less paint. I had an excellent night! Our bar crawl turned into predrinks on campus and then a big move to the cocktail bar in town. It was decided that it was too cold, people were ordering food and we are just too attached to our regular drinking haunt to cheat on it with anywhere other than the bar in town. You are looking at some very loyal customers here.

The walk to town is one I never want to repeat. In just a thin, tight dress, lightweight blazer and ballet shoes (because I can't go all night in heels) it was intensely cold. Minus temperatures had me shivering and we did not walk nearly fast enough to generate heat. Apparently it's rather difficult to herd a 30 strong mass at any decent pace. I do not envy the social sec his job of chivvying people along.

But once we finally got inside and into the VIP area, the free champagne was poured and heat was restored. We chatted and drank and danced and laughed and danced and drank and danced and danced. There were a few hiccups admittedly. The two drinks that were smashed on my feet were memorable parts of the night, who doesn't love cold, sticky, bruised feet? It was probably a good thing the alcohol prevented me from feeling the pain. My only other gripe is being danced with, nay, forced to dance with a drunk, lascivious guy who repeatedly pulled me to him and danced against me. It's not the dancing that I minded so much, normally I find it very enjoyable and a great way to connect with people but when he has a girlfriend and is very clearly coming on to me in a very dominating and not particularly attractive way... well that doesn't make me think too highly of him. By all means guys, dance with me, dance close, let your hands wander, lets laugh and you can try (and succeed) at out-dancing me but don't grab me, I'll come if I like you, don't force me feel you, all of you, pressed against me and for heavens sake be single! Or a fair friend. And be a gentleman; take my hand, lead me in, seduce me. Why does it seem that only men who are in relationships are interested in me? Or at least are interested in an obvious way, I'm not a mind reader sadly.

Regardless of my girlfriend/attraction confusion I had a really fun night. I love spending time with my friends outside of our usual setting of workshops and occasional film nights. I love dancing with people and chatting and getting tipsy together. I love making new friends, meeting new people and getting to know acquaintances better. I love dancing. Did I mention that? Its so much fun to lose yourself in the music, to just let your body move and your mind go free. Dancing with someone, a friend, an interest it doesn't matter, it draws you closer, you share the moment. Especially when you feel good and the group of girls behind you stop you to compliment your apperance, then it feels extra good. And when admiring eyes are on you... that doesnt feel too bad either.

Finally, at 2am I was ready to crash and I did just that after sprinting home through the bitter cold. Hardy Northerner I am no more.


There are now memes for my university
This has got to stop.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012


What smart person books a blood test and vaccination on the same day as a bar crawl?
Oh yeah, this one.

At least I can claim that I'm a celebrity on drugs to explain the puncture wounds. I clearly had high aspirations of what I wanted to be when I grew up!

Monday, 6 February 2012

Coffee with a Friend

My friend from home is coming to stay with me for a few days next week! The original plan was for her to stay this week but a torn hamstring on her end and the snow on my end meant we delayed it for a week but no matter, she's coming soon!

So, as we'll be having an epic catch up session over a few days and nights I thought I'd post another few things about myself.

  1. Today I went to Body Balance, a class my gym offers. It is a combination of tai chi, yoga and pilates with an abdominals track in the middle that affords the only real exercise in the class, the rest is just stretching which I love. I have to admit I get a real kick out of being able to do all the advanced poses. Then again, over half the class is middle aged men and women, they probably curse the flexible, uni students who fill up the rest of the spaces.
  2. Soft furnishings are my vice. If I'm out shopping and see pillows or accessories that would match my room, I'll have them. My room is an extension of one of the aspects of me; it represents the calm, focused me who is quietly in control and not raging against all the confusion and uncertainty I feel. The bed  has copious pillows, there are a chain of paper cranes hanging along the wall, the shelf is edged in felt flowers, three sets of fairy lights cast a warm glow and a butterfly mural covers one wall.
  3. This is the butterfly mural in my room at home, it's now on a murky purple wall
  4. The last one leads nicely into this: there are a few different 'versions' of me. Facets is probably a better word as I don't mean it in a schizophrenic or multiple personality disorder way, I just mean that at different times, I am different. Aren't we all. Around certain friends we act one way, around others we are slightly different, to our colleagues we present an other aspect and to our love interest, well that's a dilema. You can't change too much because they'll soon see something contrary but do you really want them to see you? I'm actually a big believer that all of the people you present should be very close to the truth and I thats how I try to act. Do I succeed? I know that I rarely lie and to me that's what matters.
So, maybe you learnt something new, certainly you now have a picture of my room. Don't try to over analyse the way I behave, I'm fairly straight forward. At least I try to be.

Snow and Lectures

If I look out my window I can see a hell of a lot of white, with patches of green and a few ugly grey stripes marking out the paths.

Its the first day of lectures in 7 weeks and I am not at all excited. Firstly a tutorial in which I receive the results of two, very poor essays followed by a Further Statistics lecture. Not an intro, that was last semester. This time it's serious. And between those lovely events in my day, I have to wrap up in a ton of layers, pull on my most waterproof boots and brave the icy paths.

I have seen way too many people slip going down the hill for me to have much optimism. I think I'll aim to add to my bruises.

Sunday, 5 February 2012

Friendly Wankers

A breathy laugh.
A face appears at the window.
A small, sly hand slinks upwards, red fingers wrapped around an icy ball.
It is popped through the opening.
"Do you want me to throw this in there?"
How kind of him to ask. I hate to ruin his fun but reply no, I'd rather keep my room dry if its all the same.
It's not.
The snowball shatters across the floor.
A second one soon follows.
Yeah you better run.

Last Friday Night

It's a blackout blur alright but I know for sure that it didn't rule.

Let me paint a picture for you:
I had a lovely friday, got up late, pottered around with my flatmate, did my laundry and at 2pm,  a couple of our friends who we'll be living with next year came round bringing with them the holy grail (aka Friends Season 2 dvd) and Casino Royale, the remake. After making Dennis the Menace cupcakes and icing yet more cookies (baking is all I think I've done this week!) we settled onto my bed to watch Friends. After an episode another of our friends arrived and we attempted to make space for him. I say attempted because these beds were not designed to have 5 people sit on them. We can squeeze 5 of us girls onto one as we're all relatively slim but 4 girls and a broad guy, not good. I was squashed between him and the corner with the headboard digging into my ribs, joy.

So we watched Casion Royale, the longest, least interesting film since Source Code and Unstoppable (there's something I don't enjoy about train films). I fell asleep at least twice. Nothing was happening! He would gamble, shoot, gamble, chase, gamble, torture, gamble, gamble, gamble. There's a recurring theme somewhere but I just can't put my finger on it. So despite spending half the film curled up, asleep on my friends shoulder, I had a throughly lovely afternoon. Fajitas followed for dinner and we snuggled back on the bed for a little more friends after which we began to get ready for the night.

Blowdry, straighten, makeup, tights, clothes and lots and lots of laughter. 4 girls getting ready in one very small room is immensely entertaining, even if it did take us much longer than usual to get dressed! Pre-drinking began and a couple of our friends joined us for a few vicious games of Irish Shnap. All I'm going to say is that I'm a bitter loser at the best of times but with a fair bit of whiskey in me and constant refills thanks to one kind soul, there were red knuckles all around.

I blink, crack open my eyes. I see a bookshelf, a desk, the wrong orientation. I close my eyes. I'm in bed, cold. Another look and I realise I'm not in my own bed, I'm in my flatmates. The door opens and she enters. "Why am I in your bed?" I ask, noting that I'm still fully dressed from the night before.  The story is explained and it's not one I'm proud of.

After Irish Shnap we continued to drink until past 11 when we made a move to the club. Apparently I was unable to walk without assistance. How that didn't tip my friends off that I was rather gone is beyond me. So I got to the club and, unsurprisingly, was refused entry. My friend started to take me home and after some confusion about my keys, he managed to walk me to my front door. Eventually I got into bed with assistance from various flatmates who then had a lovely evening dealing with a drunk, vomiting girl who fell off her bed and appeared to have stopped breathing. Lovely. I am so apologetic. In the night, my flatmate woke up cold and saw that I had gotten into bed with her and was hogging all the duvet. Whoops.

The other big moment of my night was relayed to me by text, much to the amusement of all who were there when I read the messages. I'm told I kissed the guy who walked me home! I don't like this guy that way. I have no romantic feelings towards him and yet, this. Great. I'll have to face him on Tuesday as he's in one of my societies and thankfully, 2 days later I am still blank but regardless, I do not want to see him.

So the lesson folks, which I must learn myself, is to stay away from the whiskey, its the drink of the devil and also that I must control my lusty nature because, as I was reminded on saturday, drunk kissing isn't new to me.

Friday, 3 February 2012

Fill in the Blanks Friday

Today's blanks are brought to you by Meg of Mr. C & Me. Thanks to Lauren at The Little Things We Do

1.   If money wasn't an issue, the first thing I'd cross of my life list is to go to a festival of music I don't really know somewhere abroad. I love the idea of traveling to a new country, experiencing my first festival and loads of new music, it would be adrenaline fuelled and hopefully amazing.

2.  Eating noodles one at a time  is something I like that other people think is weird . It frustrates my flatmates no end!

3.  If my life were a movie right now, the title would be bjks\\zjk. I honestly have no idea. My life is wonderful and so confusing at the moment, it would make the least cohesive movie ever. We could pick on the romance that will never be, the chaotic flat and its many exotic residents, the wonderful friends and our countless movie nights or just a girl, living on campus, doing the best she can. How about: Keep Moving Forward. That's all we can ever do, right?

4.  Three things I am looking forward to this month are  my first two bar crawls with my two societies, seeing one of my best friends from home when she comes to visit on monday and signing our housing contract.

5.  My favorite song to sing in the shower is Billy Joel, The Piano Man.

6.  If I found out that the production of  Kim Chi noodles  was ending this month, I'd go out and buy as much as I could tomorrow.

7.  One thing I'll never grow tired of is  spending time with my closest friends, people who make me feel comfortable, who can make me laugh and probably know me well enough to make me cry. Those are the people I want to spend my time with.
Here's to a great day kickstarting an equally great weekend.

Undue Nostalgia

I'm still a first year but already I'm feeling nostalgic, looking back and thinking about our freshers week and semester 1.

Second and final years (and post-grads) keep saying that "you won't ever come to X after this year" or "this is the last time you'll enjoy doing Y" and its a sad thought. That after this year, some of the things that I really enjoy doing, like open mic night, or going to the union for breakfast, or even silly, annoying things like queueing for tickets, we won't do anymore. They are all things that help define this still new experience of university for me.

But then I guess that next year, there will be more wonderful, defining things like paying bills and getting a tv licence to contend with. Oh the joys.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

When did I become a Caregiver?

I seem to spend too many nights out now looking after friends who are in a rather bad way.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to help and I would never leave them alone becasue who knows what might happen but really, must it happen every time we go out? For once, can we all just get pleasantly tipsy so that we're all giggly and happy but not messy? So we can all look after ourselves and have a good time?

Is it too much to ask!

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Filming, Filming, Editing

Filming is finally complete on our short film for FilmSoc *celebrations*
Now for the editing. We have half an hour of footage to be condensed into 2 minutes. And it has to be semi decent.

I'll see you in 4 years then.